This is a story about a day in the life of Graham John "Spinach" Dean, and his attempt at wooing a beautiful lady.
Before we get into the story, I have a confession to make: I like girls. Yip, yippidee doo daa, tis true. I think they're pretty flippin nice. Yes sirree! I have, therefore, over the years, had the opportunity to pursue 1 or 2 of them magnificent creatures. This story is one of those Pursuits.
Before we get into the story, I have a confession to make: I like girls. Yip, yippidee doo daa, tis true. I think they're pretty flippin nice. Yes sirree! I have, therefore, over the years, had the opportunity to pursue 1 or 2 of them magnificent creatures. This story is one of those Pursuits.
PLEASE NOTE: In order to not embarrass anyone and to protect the relevant party's anonymity, I shall don them with a totally awesome alias.
The Story of the Bettie who didn't Laugh at Mine Jokes (Gasp! Horror!)!!!
This story takes place in Cape Town, South Africa and is dated circa 2003.
As most love or "attempted-love" stories begin, there was this beautiful girl and also this very attractive and manly and super-becoming man ... And then there was me! Ok, I'm just joking, I was the man! Well, no. Let me rephrase that ... I thought I was the man. Anyhow, that's another issue and I'm sliding off track here, where were we again? Oh yes, girl and man. Oh and by "girl" I do, in fact, mean woman or lady or female or whatever other noun is politically correct in this context. For some reason though, I think "girl" just sounds a whole lot more awesome. Anyway, so it happened to be a Sunday morning and I was at a church meeting. A little way through the meet there appeared this beautiful Minx-Bettie from nowhere! Well, actually I think she may have appeared from the parking lot, but semantics, eh!? Anyway, I noticed her from across the room. It was at this juncture, where I suddenly realised where I was, so I quickly glanced Heavenward and remarked: "Lord, I'm a tad distracted by this hot 'miss-thang' (actual words used). Help me to forget about her til the end of the meeting." He didn't. I didn't. Sigh.
Anyhow, after the meet was concluded, I proceeded to do what any sane man in my situation would do, I found a dark corner in which to hide and stayed there 'til after dark. Okay, nope, kidding again. What I actually did was try to be deliberate about casually walsing over to her and engaging her in some light and humourous banter. So after the mandatory 25min "being organic"/psyching-up process I squeezed out the courage to sidle up beside her with my tea in hand as a natural defensive shield against any possible woman-to-man-"rejectory"-arrows that may come my way, and utter: "Hey" (Now, I know what you are all thinking "What a brave and manly LEGEND" and yes, I concur.) Anyway, so after scanning the room for the nearest exit or friendly and being found wanting, she sighed a "he-ey" in return. I quickly turned 180deg and gave myself a quick self-5 and whispered a gay (Read: Happy.) "I'm in!" I turned back around and told her my name. Now, this is where the story gets a little fuzzy because I had met this girl in the past many moons ago, but I don't think she remembered me or my name (she must have been play-acting though, cos who could forget me, I mean really!?!), so ja I introduced myself after showing her that I knew her name already: It was Maude (wink wink!). We shared a short and sharp conversation and we both found a comfortable exit point, but not before I strategically found out that she was planning to hit the Sunday Evening Kirstenbosch Concert later that day with a few mutual friends.
So, thinking that this bird was quite special, I resolved to be deliberate about trying to spend as much time as possible around this girl (The Proximity Principle: See below for details). Guys, sometimes though this means sacrifice like instead of playing your regular Sunday Afternoon game of Touch Rugby with the Lads, U forgo it this week in order to be around her while she listens to music on the grass in Kirstenbosch. Another sacrifice may be to pay the, at that time, exorbitant price of R25 or R35 (for my European Friends that is +- 2.5 - 3.5Euro) to get into Kirstenbosch for the Summer Evening Music Spectacular. Now, remember that I was a student at the time and the reality is that I certainly would not have paid that sorta money for that same experience with just my dude friends. But this was different. There was Maude and I was a man and I wanted to be around her, exposing myself (not like that, U rotten gutter-dwellers!!!) to her and being exposed to by her.
So there we were at 5pm at the beautiful Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens in Cape Town, sitting on a blanket on some grass, as the sun was low in the sky with some band blessing us audibly with their musical wiles. I was still a little distracted by the fact that I had just spent R35!!!! On a girl! But that's it guys, girls make U do crazy things! It is a certified fact! Or should that be "certifiable" fact. Haha! So Maude and I were there with these mutual friends, let's call them Jerry and Geraldine. And then there were a few other guys: Richard, Kevin and Tyrell I think, whom had all snuck in instead of shelling out the 35 Rond. Remember though, I was being THE MAN, there was no ways I was gonna be cheap (sorry boys) in that context. Any other time yes, but there was a girl involved this time you remember!
An hour or so passed and finally the music ended yet the night was still young and pregnant with the possibility of more "girl-impressage." So the group was deciding what the next move was, there was some indecision in the camp and then "IT" happened. The moment I had been waiting for my entire life .. Ugh! No, the entire evening I mean, the entire EVENING! Maude was sitting crosslegged on the grass and I was lying somewhere in her proximity (remember guys, The Proximity Principle!) just chilling, acting normal and totally sexay, resigned to the reality of the indecisiveness of us "Hout Bay Boys". When all of a sudden, Maude faced me, picked a blade of grass from the grass-carpet and proceeded to stroke my forearm hair with the blade while saying and I quote: "What do you want to do, hey Cooks?"
I couldn't reply. I was in too much shock and ecstacy thinking: "A girl just stroked my forearm with a blade of grass! Can U frikkin believe it!? This is incredible! Did you guys see that? You must've seen that! OMG! OMG! That HAS to be a good sign surely! I am IN like Bennie HINN!"
I then somehow managed to draw myself out of the riptide of my ecstatic self-talk to reply calmly and coolly: "Aaah, whatever, I'm chilled. Camps Bay sounds SWATE. Ja, I'm keen." It was decided, we would head for Camps Bay. So we hopped into our vehicles and headed over the Nek for a lekker little drink. We ended up at that Bar-type place called "Indigo" or "Ignite" I think near to Blues Restaurant. I can't remember the name but we sat outdoors on the terrace sipping Mai-Thai's and Beers, etc.
It was a great time and I had fun. Trying my best to continually be deliberate about stepping outside of my comfort zone in order to engage with this girl. This time though, there were a whole lot more dudes to compete against for that next "Grass Strokage"-type incident. The night ended up, however, that after the high of Kirstenbosch and being "In like Bennie Hinn", I found I was actually "Out like Milk Stout". This time though, it was not so much because she was not keen (not that she was necessarily) but rather because I had noticed a most strange thread that followed Maude and I through this whole day. The thread was that I would often try to induce a chuckle or laugh from her just to make her want me (You know how it is) but the strangest thing happened and I'm still confused as to why. She never, not once, laughed with gay abandon at 1 of my funnies. At first, I thought it was just nerves on her part: "Oh this legend oke just made a funny, but I'm too nervous to laugh at his really REALLY funny joke" but as the day continued, she continued to resist the urge to explode into pandemoneous chuckleeeen! I thought to myself: "Flipsels, this chick doesn't laugh at my funniness. What the hell is goeeen on Gray!? Either your game is slippeeen or she just doesn't get you!" I eventually resigned myself to the fact that this wonderful young lass just did not get me (Couldn't have been the other option! Haha!) or my humour and I decided that I shouldn't try any more to make her want me, because I would not be able to live my whole life (til I'm 120yrs old) trying to make my BEAUTIE laugh and coming up wanting EVERYtime. I just could not do it!
Now, I know you're all extremely surprised by this development and you can't understand how this could happen and let me say me too! I'm just as jaw-dropped as you. But these were the facts. And while sitting on that beautiful deck in Camp's Bay overlooking the ocean thinking about this beautiful girl and the possibilities that may lie somewhere in the future I thought to myself: "No. I can't do it. Obviously this girl wants me, it is obvious I mean she hasn't said a word to me since the Grass-Incident. She's obviously playing hard-to-get in order to draw me into her web of womaness. But no, I shall not succumb, there's actually no way that I could potentially live my whole life with a girl who doesn't laugh at mine jokes! It's over. It's over, before it has even begun!"
And that, as they say, was that. Now you may be thinking why I was talking about my whole life on this the first day that I'd seen this young lady in a long while. Good question. I know I do get into my head sometimes. Over-analyse. But I just thought why invest now, if I can't see it going anywhere long term? So I backed off and let the rest of the boys whip out their skills. Now, maybe where I sit now I should've gotten over my fragile ego and invested a little more at that time and I probably should've, but the reality was that this young lady resided over 1000km away and she actually moved overseas very shortly after the night in question anyway. It wouldn't have worked, but I think we can learn a few lessons from the above story.
2 Bettie-Pursuage Anecdotes:
1. The Proximity Principle still holds strong. A good friend of mine Marko "Batman" Petrik and I came up with "The Proximity Principle" in one of our "Get-a-Bettie Strategy Sessions" a few years ago and it is SO important. Dudes, be sure to be deliberate about getting into the face of your "target" or just girls generally. This thing of a "Target-Rich Environment" is essential to success in the end. I hope! Hehe. I am no authority on dateeen and relationships, not at all. AT ALL! But this I know: You must be within eye and ear-shot of girls in order to learn how to interact with them and for the possibility of anything more happening. This goes for girls too. Don't be scared to go and watch some dudes play football or rugby or whatever, even full-contact topless tiddlywinks will be a good thing to spectate if there is a dude there whom you fancy. You may be thoroughly bored by it all, but dudes love it when girls come and support them from the sidelines. Guys, the same thing carries over: When a girl you like enters her "knit-a-bonnet-in-60-minute" or whatever it is that girls do for fun (kidding ladies!), go and support her, bring along some refreshments and run them to her at regular intervals to keep her hydrated through the compo, etc. Just be there. Near. Around. Employ The Proximity Principle!
2. Sacrifice: Finally, sacrifice could be for the girls as well as they sit there bored out of their minds watching you dominate the Tiddlywinks but when it comes to male-female tweakage we MUST be willing to take a few hits along the way whether they be financial (Dropping 35 Rond stung my pocket!) or like giving up your weekly game of sport or your weekly dressing-up-as-a-medieval-knight-and-slashing-your-cardboard-sword-around-your-room-alone-practice-session, it is worth it, trust me. The chicks dig it when you actually give up something you love ("wish-wosh-stab-wack" [onomatopoeia anyone?]) for them and to do something fun with them.
Conclusion:
Man up boys, hop out of your medieval skirt with colour-coded chainmail and partake in "The Proximity Principle" and a little bit of sacrifice, only good things can come from it. Unless of course, she doesn't laugh at your jokes, if that's the case then just drop her like she's The Hoff!
Yours Sincerely,
Spinach.
So, thinking that this bird was quite special, I resolved to be deliberate about trying to spend as much time as possible around this girl (The Proximity Principle: See below for details). Guys, sometimes though this means sacrifice like instead of playing your regular Sunday Afternoon game of Touch Rugby with the Lads, U forgo it this week in order to be around her while she listens to music on the grass in Kirstenbosch. Another sacrifice may be to pay the, at that time, exorbitant price of R25 or R35 (for my European Friends that is +- 2.5 - 3.5Euro) to get into Kirstenbosch for the Summer Evening Music Spectacular. Now, remember that I was a student at the time and the reality is that I certainly would not have paid that sorta money for that same experience with just my dude friends. But this was different. There was Maude and I was a man and I wanted to be around her, exposing myself (not like that, U rotten gutter-dwellers!!!) to her and being exposed to by her.
So there we were at 5pm at the beautiful Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens in Cape Town, sitting on a blanket on some grass, as the sun was low in the sky with some band blessing us audibly with their musical wiles. I was still a little distracted by the fact that I had just spent R35!!!! On a girl! But that's it guys, girls make U do crazy things! It is a certified fact! Or should that be "certifiable" fact. Haha! So Maude and I were there with these mutual friends, let's call them Jerry and Geraldine. And then there were a few other guys: Richard, Kevin and Tyrell I think, whom had all snuck in instead of shelling out the 35 Rond. Remember though, I was being THE MAN, there was no ways I was gonna be cheap (sorry boys) in that context. Any other time yes, but there was a girl involved this time you remember!
An hour or so passed and finally the music ended yet the night was still young and pregnant with the possibility of more "girl-impressage." So the group was deciding what the next move was, there was some indecision in the camp and then "IT" happened. The moment I had been waiting for my entire life .. Ugh! No, the entire evening I mean, the entire EVENING! Maude was sitting crosslegged on the grass and I was lying somewhere in her proximity (remember guys, The Proximity Principle!) just chilling, acting normal and totally sexay, resigned to the reality of the indecisiveness of us "Hout Bay Boys". When all of a sudden, Maude faced me, picked a blade of grass from the grass-carpet and proceeded to stroke my forearm hair with the blade while saying and I quote: "What do you want to do, hey Cooks?"
I couldn't reply. I was in too much shock and ecstacy thinking: "A girl just stroked my forearm with a blade of grass! Can U frikkin believe it!? This is incredible! Did you guys see that? You must've seen that! OMG! OMG! That HAS to be a good sign surely! I am IN like Bennie HINN!"
I then somehow managed to draw myself out of the riptide of my ecstatic self-talk to reply calmly and coolly: "Aaah, whatever, I'm chilled. Camps Bay sounds SWATE. Ja, I'm keen." It was decided, we would head for Camps Bay. So we hopped into our vehicles and headed over the Nek for a lekker little drink. We ended up at that Bar-type place called "Indigo" or "Ignite" I think near to Blues Restaurant. I can't remember the name but we sat outdoors on the terrace sipping Mai-Thai's and Beers, etc.
It was a great time and I had fun. Trying my best to continually be deliberate about stepping outside of my comfort zone in order to engage with this girl. This time though, there were a whole lot more dudes to compete against for that next "Grass Strokage"-type incident. The night ended up, however, that after the high of Kirstenbosch and being "In like Bennie Hinn", I found I was actually "Out like Milk Stout". This time though, it was not so much because she was not keen (not that she was necessarily) but rather because I had noticed a most strange thread that followed Maude and I through this whole day. The thread was that I would often try to induce a chuckle or laugh from her just to make her want me (You know how it is) but the strangest thing happened and I'm still confused as to why. She never, not once, laughed with gay abandon at 1 of my funnies. At first, I thought it was just nerves on her part: "Oh this legend oke just made a funny, but I'm too nervous to laugh at his really REALLY funny joke" but as the day continued, she continued to resist the urge to explode into pandemoneous chuckleeeen! I thought to myself: "Flipsels, this chick doesn't laugh at my funniness. What the hell is goeeen on Gray!? Either your game is slippeeen or she just doesn't get you!" I eventually resigned myself to the fact that this wonderful young lass just did not get me (Couldn't have been the other option! Haha!) or my humour and I decided that I shouldn't try any more to make her want me, because I would not be able to live my whole life (til I'm 120yrs old) trying to make my BEAUTIE laugh and coming up wanting EVERYtime. I just could not do it!
Now, I know you're all extremely surprised by this development and you can't understand how this could happen and let me say me too! I'm just as jaw-dropped as you. But these were the facts. And while sitting on that beautiful deck in Camp's Bay overlooking the ocean thinking about this beautiful girl and the possibilities that may lie somewhere in the future I thought to myself: "No. I can't do it. Obviously this girl wants me, it is obvious I mean she hasn't said a word to me since the Grass-Incident. She's obviously playing hard-to-get in order to draw me into her web of womaness. But no, I shall not succumb, there's actually no way that I could potentially live my whole life with a girl who doesn't laugh at mine jokes! It's over. It's over, before it has even begun!"
And that, as they say, was that. Now you may be thinking why I was talking about my whole life on this the first day that I'd seen this young lady in a long while. Good question. I know I do get into my head sometimes. Over-analyse. But I just thought why invest now, if I can't see it going anywhere long term? So I backed off and let the rest of the boys whip out their skills. Now, maybe where I sit now I should've gotten over my fragile ego and invested a little more at that time and I probably should've, but the reality was that this young lady resided over 1000km away and she actually moved overseas very shortly after the night in question anyway. It wouldn't have worked, but I think we can learn a few lessons from the above story.
2 Bettie-Pursuage Anecdotes:
1. The Proximity Principle still holds strong. A good friend of mine Marko "Batman" Petrik and I came up with "The Proximity Principle" in one of our "Get-a-Bettie Strategy Sessions" a few years ago and it is SO important. Dudes, be sure to be deliberate about getting into the face of your "target" or just girls generally. This thing of a "Target-Rich Environment" is essential to success in the end. I hope! Hehe. I am no authority on dateeen and relationships, not at all. AT ALL! But this I know: You must be within eye and ear-shot of girls in order to learn how to interact with them and for the possibility of anything more happening. This goes for girls too. Don't be scared to go and watch some dudes play football or rugby or whatever, even full-contact topless tiddlywinks will be a good thing to spectate if there is a dude there whom you fancy. You may be thoroughly bored by it all, but dudes love it when girls come and support them from the sidelines. Guys, the same thing carries over: When a girl you like enters her "knit-a-bonnet-in-60-minute" or whatever it is that girls do for fun (kidding ladies!), go and support her, bring along some refreshments and run them to her at regular intervals to keep her hydrated through the compo, etc. Just be there. Near. Around. Employ The Proximity Principle!
2. Sacrifice: Finally, sacrifice could be for the girls as well as they sit there bored out of their minds watching you dominate the Tiddlywinks but when it comes to male-female tweakage we MUST be willing to take a few hits along the way whether they be financial (Dropping 35 Rond stung my pocket!) or like giving up your weekly game of sport or your weekly dressing-up-as-a-medieval-knight-and-slashing-your-cardboard-sword-around-your-room-alone-practice-session, it is worth it, trust me. The chicks dig it when you actually give up something you love ("wish-wosh-stab-wack" [onomatopoeia anyone?]) for them and to do something fun with them.
Conclusion:
Man up boys, hop out of your medieval skirt with colour-coded chainmail and partake in "The Proximity Principle" and a little bit of sacrifice, only good things can come from it. Unless of course, she doesn't laugh at your jokes, if that's the case then just drop her like she's The Hoff!
Yours Sincerely,
Spinach.
Gray. You make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteWait wait wait! Not like that!
ReplyDeleteCrap.
ReplyDeleteBro. You spoke about the Proximity Principle. On the Interweb.
ReplyDeleteWe need to talk.
Hey Batman, it is time for us to pass on our wisdom to the younger generation! Let them fly further and higher than we ever did applying the Proximity Principle and all the other Legendary and UBER-Effective Principles that we've come up with!
ReplyDeleteLet's be generous!
Haha Jo, nice 1! funny stuffs. Merci madamoiselle!
You beauty! I remember the day well. Good times. Miss you my friend.
ReplyDeleteHow are you still single Deanie? It baffles me!
ReplyDeleteOh Moses.
ReplyDelete1 day though ... 1 DAY!
ReplyDeleteDeanageNESSness, I have taken notes! I will put them into practice! The sacrifice part is hard though, 35 buck! I am freaking Scottish! how am I supposed to part with 35 bucks? :)
ReplyDeleteMy brother, you are awesome! You definitely could not live your whole life with a Bettie who doesn't get your jokes, or your language in general for that matter. But that girl is out there.. I know it.. great story! :)
ReplyDeleteDamn i have such legend cousins...This is a brilliant piece of literature Gray. Listen, joke and humour catchage is ESSENTIAL, she definitely wasn't the one, but dude the bettie who gets you and gets your humour.. now there is one flippin lucky betty. keep em coming Gray and thanks for some tummy-aching-from-laughter stuff!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like it wasn't really a match maude in heaven.
ReplyDeleteWe need these updates and stories to be more frequent. There are only so many times we can read these stories before the next one comes. And one, or if we're lucky, two a month is NOT ENOUGH! Come Graham Dean, up your game! (Gentle rebuke)
ReplyDeleteI am with Rich on this one.
ReplyDeleteAnd on that note, Rich, you sly Dawg you, I believe you are no longer in the singular form. I have heard tell of a Bettie in your immediate vicinity....hmm?? :)
dude you are still THE MAN!!!
ReplyDelete